Connecting to Spirit

By Julie Anne Duncan                                                              

When I was 24 and first struggling to get "sober", it was as if there was a battle going on for my soul. Sobriety was not just about quitting substances, behaviors, people I was addicted to, etc, it was about confronting my denial that I was a spiritual being. I had veered so far off the path. I was lost and I felt empty inside. The only compass that I had used was the one in my ego's pocket which guided me only to check out, stay unaware, and to deny my truth.

The addiction community often talks about hitting a "rock bottom". Typically this shows up as the addicted person being left by a spouse or significant other, losing children to child protective services, losing a job or home, getting into some kind of accident, having legal trouble, etc. For me, my rock bottom was a feeling of spiritual depletion.  I knew that I had to move to higher level of consciousness and living or I would not be in a physical body much longer.  It was do or die. 

Commencing one of the most challenging pieces of healing I've ever undertaken, I sought the healing of addiction with all my being. This is when I first began developing an intimate connection to Spirit. Since being a little girl, I had always had an awareness of God on some level and had communicated usually in the form of verbal prayer. A connection was there, but what it lacked until this point in my life was a complete surrender, unabashed trust, and an awareness that I am not separate from, but actually am the essence of Spirit myself. 

In 2005 I was guided to move down to south Louisiana to Lake Charles, away from my friends, my family, everything I'd known to start a new life, to see what I could see. One night I was having the familiar restlessness of before, which for so long I had soothed with one of my many addictions, but this time a tiny voice inside said "No, Julie Anne." No matter what it took and whatever that meant I was not going back. But the restlessness, the anxiety, the monster was rising up inside of me. It was terrifying because I knew I didn't have the power, I didn't have the strength to fight it and to follow through with the "No", but I couldn't go back to the addictions either. I was stuck. How was I to navigate this? The only direction to move was higher and I needed to surrender and trust that I would go there.

So I lit a candle, turned off all the lights in my apartment, got still, and said "All right, God, It's you and me, let's work this out. I'm not going back, whatever it takes." And I just waited. I wasn't sure what I was waiting for or for how long I would be waiting, but I wasn't budging. I just waited. Complete surrender and unabashed faith. And then, God came.

I could write volumes on what that means. Thus began and continues my healing, and has become a part of my spiritual practice. Whatever I need, whether it be guidance, information, healing, or companionship, I go directly to the source and there I find it. Often times I experience emotional release of some kind which is usually followed by bliss, joy, clarity, etc. Sometimes I spend several hours there, sometimes just a short while. Sometimes I go on powerful mystical journeys that transform my very core. One thing is consistent, that it is an intimate moment of spiritual communion that is unique and personal to me. I emerge each time a little more conscious, sober, grounded in my spirituality, and aware that while the ritual is sacred and powerful, the connection remains long after the candle burns out and there seems to be only darkness.

Comments

[Mark Youngblood]

Julie Anne, I am moved by the simple, direct way you are able to share your life experiences. You make your journey so real and so visceral that it is sure to touch anyone who reads it. God has shaped you on life's anvil into a truly beautiful person. Thank you for sharing in such a heartfelt way.

[Lara Z]

I love this piece because it's so utterly, nakedly honest. You have such a gift Julie Anne for reaching out and touching others in such a heart-centered way. Thanks for sharing this!

[Ellen Debenport]

Wonderful! I had no idea you had been through such a dark night. Your conscious contact with Spirit is what shines through you now.

[Tracy Welborn]

I love that. "And then, God came". That line is awesome Julie Ann. Really, I'm just blown away with how simple and powerful it is.
Hmmmmm??????

Tracy